*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
March 16
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.