Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
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imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.