*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
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[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*