there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.