Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Meow?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo