me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
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This guy’s not having it 😆
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”