Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
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Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
me logging onto twitter
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day