Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
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I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies