You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Hitlers gonna hitl
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9