I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
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[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
me after drinking all the wine:
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
*has no idea what a book even is*
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous