Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Meat Cute
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant