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My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.