JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.