three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
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I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Growing up was a huge mistake
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on