Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
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[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.