In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
#gardening
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.