[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
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ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound