Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
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Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Flock of bats
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]