Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Good morning y’all ☀️
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.