Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
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The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
*names my little horse OneTrick*
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
That de-escalated quickly
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine