Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
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did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.