in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
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You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Help Wanted
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.