My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
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Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting