For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
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“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Lmao
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won