Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
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If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Education is vital
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
When libraries troll their patrons.
no!! no!!!!!!
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir