Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
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These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever