American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I love you to the refrigerator and back
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.