[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
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Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you