“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
he’s doing your taxes
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF