Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
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Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.