My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.