I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
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Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.