*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it