Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
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[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
New favorite tiktok
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I think this should do it.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Perfect
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.