[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
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My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
*orders delivery*
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots