“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Cat.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
pelicons
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?