I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy