If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
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do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
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I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Only Americans understand
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Siri, fight Alexa.