Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
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When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Monday Lisa
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
What a website
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS