Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
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Guantanamo Bae
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.