Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
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“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
When someone says you are so lazy
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.