Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
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This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.