SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I am also baked goods
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?