ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
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“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I only eat vegetarians.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
mariah carrie
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids