Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.