*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
You Might Also Like
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I need to get some bricks…
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*