Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
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Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.