need him
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“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?