*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet