boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
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Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I saw nothing
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.